It is very quaint to me that I still get upset over small, trivial things. Alright, quaint is not the right word, it is annoying that I still get upset over small, petty things that in the grand scheme don't matter. In the end I know that I am just food for worms, just a sack of meat that has been cursed with sentience. That last sentence makes it sound as if I don't wish to be sentient, that is not true, what I wish is that I could keep my eye on the prize, which is to raise a daughter that feels connected to her community, that feels that there is more to just a buck for labor exchange.
What is hard is that I myself, while wanting to feel connected to my community, feel the most disconnected when I make errors in judgment (such as when I push off paying bills for an iPad, or some such electronic device that is mined by struggling laborers in the developing world). This does little to help my community, in fact, I feel that rampant, runaway mass consumerism in America is what is destroying communities (but that is a topic to address later).
When I ran the Portland Marathon in January what I saw amazed me and made me feel proud not only to be a Portlander, but to be a part of something that was and was not about me. It was about the community gathering together to cheer on and support runners. I was winded on the last eight miles, I was hobbling because my training always peaked at 14.3 miles, never more, so I was unprepared for my feet to be in so much pain, while I was limp run/walking many fellow runners and spectators not only cheered me on, but asked if I was alright. Community, that was the one thing that I took away from that marathon (other than train harder and better).
One does not need to run endurance sports to feel connected, my example worked for me, but the easiest way to get involved is to take an interest, help people, smile, make eye contact. It is so easy in today's fast paced big meal world to just ignore, look the other way, ramp up the volume on your iPod and plug out from those around you. In fact, for me, sometimes I want to, I want to ignore the populace on my commute (MAX to bus route 15), but I also like to bask in the debate I witnessed over the summer on Trimet's bus line 15 over the fluoride vote, it was truly inspiring.
What I am getting at is that I was in a bit of a funk after my work review, I kept wanting to spew Marx's labor analysis at my employer (actual labor versus compensated labor, etc.) but in reality, I make enough money to fit my current needs, and if I want to make more, well, for my experience in what I do, my training, and my resume, I know where the door is. But it is not about that, advocating for oneself is one thing, but just finding ways to be unhappy is quite another.
All that makes me happy is treating people with the same respect that I would want if I were in their shoes. That's always been a big problem for me as I tend to be a very self-centered asshole of a human being (an no, despite what some people want to claim, having a child is not a cure-all solution to this type of personality disorder), but I want to stop doing that, if for no other reason than that for 31 years it has cost me far more than it has ever rewarded me.
Ghandi said "If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change. As a man changes his own nature, so does the attitude of the world change towards him. … We need not wait to see what others do.” There is no larger burden than those willing to be like the Philosopher in Plato's allegory of the cave, not everyone will want to listen, most will laugh, but it's the not trying that fills you with regret when you go to sleep at night, and remember, there is no guarantee that you will wake up in the morning.
